Spectre of the Genie.

Is it wise to revisit the past? Maybe, maybe not. My past never leaves me however much my cousin Cedric says let go. Actually since completing the writing of A Pillar of Impotence in 2005 my ability to stop my past dominating my present has improved. 

Anyway twelve days ago I revisited my darkest past. Reunion is a tricky thing. I have long talked of that darkness in therapy, with trusted friends and a few others. Just not overtly in public. The NHS calls it Adverse Childhood Experiences. That doesn't even come close to the horrors I've witnessed and heard over the last 30 years. 

It was hard that Wednesday and shook me to an extent. Not because I didn't understand my own life but that others are openly talking about what happened, how they'd buried it and then came to the realisation what it really was.

The genie sealed in a bottle for five decades feels like it's finally going to pop out. And that has triggered real mental struggle for me ever since.

Coupled with being physically ill and news that a more recent past is also coming to haunt me I've been a mess.

Yesterday I started to fight back. I cooked for the first time in a week, threw out the rotten consequences of not cooking, did the washing, tidied up and took the rubbish out. My flat is back to normal chaos after being neglected. 

Where I go from here I'm not sure. Today I will lunch at The White Hart, eat roast beef and drink Rioja. Tomorrow I will go to work. Just take it one day at a time.

I Heard a Voice 

Springtime Relaxing.

Greetings on a beautiful sunny spring afternoon. It is about time we had warmth and sun. Soon be dry enough to walk in the woods. 

A couple of weeks have gone by since my last post. Things have been going well. I had that week off. Made it to Borough Market which was fun. I relaxed and mainly switched off. The break was needed. 

Back at work last week and concentrated on my studies. First summative piece is done barring a handful of references. 6 weeks before the deadline. Also been recording supervision which forms another submission later in the year. 

The culinary adventures continue, lots of fine food, good wine and the indulgent things in life.

What happens next week will all be more frenetic, term starts. But I'm confident, thriving and mainly anxiety free. 

Still not had a lot of contact with people though. Rarely does anyone answer the phone, comments too are sparse. The silence from south London goes on eternally. There are still shades of loneliness, of self doubt and of self sabotage. Why do I always feel I'm the reason when in reality it is about others not me?

They will come back when they want something. So be it though. 

Enjoy that sunshine. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Joyous Easter to All!

Happy Easter all! Whatever Faith, whatever creed I wish you all a joyous day as Christians all over the world celebrate this Holiest of days.

I walked away from religion years ago but I enjoy festivals of all Faiths and the music that goes in the Christian Faith. Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter day.

In times past I sang over Easter in Cambridge as a child and in many of the great cathedrals of Europe more recently. I may have paid a price for singing but there are many great memories. 

In my world I am unwinding after a relentless term. Yes I'm on holiday until a week tomorrow. 

Mentally all is well at the moment. Late winter and early spring have brought some darkness and fear but today I'm good. 

I'm listening to Madame Butterfly and cooking roast turkey breast with sage and thyme wrapped in bacon. A smoked salmon starter with English fizz. Two friends will be joining me. English Bacchus to accompany the turkey. Just wish we could see the sun, it's freezing here.

My week off will include a trip to Borough Market. Might even go to Cambridge for a day. I have therapy on Thursday. 

As the world continues on its self destruction remember today is a day of peace. It will be in my small flat in a small town north of London. Happy Easter. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Three Decades and Three Weeks

It is three weeks since I last came on here to write my thoughts to an empty and silent world. I've had things to say but no time to say them.

If you're a regular reader, not many left after fourteen years of writing, you will recall how hard I find anniversaries. This weekend marked three.

Two years ago yesterday an important person walked away from my life. Two years ago another important person started the process of leaving me too. And today marks thirty years since my second and final admission to a psychiatric ward.

Words cannot describe what that feels like. I tried and failed to convey the horror in A Pillar of Impotence. Put simply you wear that badge or you don't. 

Almost everyone from that place is dead. A few years ago a survivor got in touch because she stumbled across this blog. She's disappeared again. I'm left alone with those memories. 

Today I feel flat and lonely despite having a visitor. I seek merely to get through the day. 

Mozart plays and I'm silent with my thoughts. 

Tomorrow life goes on, today is to be endured.

I Heard a Voice. 

What Do You Want?

Had I posted yesterday as I'd hoped you may have seen an angry rant. I was not in a good place and facing something I didn't want to do.

I could and maybe should have cancelled my plans. But I did follow them through and as with all things my anxiety touches it was better than I feared. 

Apparently it's inappropriate to talk about work on here so I can't tell you what happened. But in the stoney silence of the day I got stuck on the thought that people only contact me when they want something. 

Who do I want to be? Normality seems alien. To an extent I face the world alone. No partner, no family of my own. A lot of friends granted but there remains a deafening silence from the one person I want to be with. It's hard when people disappear from the face of the earth for months at a time. 

So on this cold Sunday morning once again I'm alone. I've got yet another cold, I'm tired because I couldn't sleep and my neck hurts.

Life will right itself. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. It just doesn't feel good to be me today.

I Heard a Voice.

The Harbour's Edge.

It's grey, wet and cold down at the coast. I've escaped to Kent to see a friend. Living just a stone's throw from the harbour. It was beautiful out there last night as I stood at the harbour edge at low tide. Not so inviting today. 

I'm pretty good. Fatigue aside the last vestiges of the flu have gone.

My working life remains incredibly busy but I'm thriving. Half term next week so mainly working from home.

Soon spring will come. Flowers, green leaves, Jersey Royal potatoes, English asparagus. A plethora of joys await us when it warms up.

We are now in the Christian lent season. A time of abstinence and prayer. Not for me, the culinary decadence goes on. Did some beautiful roast pork on Thursday. Have some rabbit in the freezer. 

Tomorrow I journey home. Not going to be easy at King's Cross is closed until Wednesday. Trains are so unreliable at times.

Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Back to the Fens.

My association with the fenland of East Anglia goes way back to 1978. 46 years in September. Back then I had just turned 9 as I went to boarding school to join the most famous choir in the world. 

Occasionally I wonder what life might have been like had I not taken that path. Even today people erroneously say to me you were sent away at 9. I actually chose to do it.

That decision altered all our lives. We are who we are today partly because of it.

This weekend I've been back in the fens. Yesterday lunchtime I passed through my beloved Cambridge and on to Ely. 

Seeing Miriam and Nigel for my annual Super Bowl pilgrimage has been great. Wonderful home cooking yesterday. Epic Sunday lunch at The Prince Albert today followed by a lovely walk around Ely. And the sun shone on the fens.

Sometimes a change of scenery is needed. I've certainly done that this weekend. 

Tonight I will witness another Super Bowl. Tomorrow I travel home. And Tuesday I go back to reality.

Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice.